Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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