1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
