I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
