I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
