You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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