my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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