Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
