I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I am midnight drunk by noon
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
