I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize