I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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