Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
