I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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