I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
