I faked an abortion last night.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
