Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
