who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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