it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
