so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
