for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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