you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
