Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
