Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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