You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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