I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
