sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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