you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
