I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
