Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
