A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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