your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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