At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
