The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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