You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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