Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
