it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
