My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
