You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
They took my balls.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize