hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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