your thong is hanging out like whoa
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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