oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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