Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
