he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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