I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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