First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I think I am morally bankrupt
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i need some magic done to my vagina
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