She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
