I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
