I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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