Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
my god I love twenty year old dicks
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize