two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
