I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
