I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
