I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
