They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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