Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
this boner is exhausting
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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